The way I see life is that we humans are rather like fish who live in an ocean. When the they are swimming around in the ocean, they probably don’t think too much about it, it’s just so obvious to them.
Similarly, we have our existence in an ocean of consciousness whose very nature is silence, peace, love, bliss and Divine beauty. Absolutely Divine beauty.
This beauty is our very nature and is the ocean within which we live, all of us, every single one of us. And it’s not just that within which we live, but it’s actually a very ground of our being.
We are not separate from this ocean, we are not different from it in any way. Even our bodies, even our physical bodies are fundamentally composed of the same essence of this beautiful ocean of Divine consciousness …
To get the most from this Silent Wisdom post I suggest both listening to the recording and reading the transcribed and edited words. Most of us absorb more information, more easily – and gain more insights – when we receive it in different formats.
The raw words
The polished words
In this post I’m going to explore what I’m calling “Heartful Self-Compassion”.
What does this mean?
The principle has come to me over the last four to five years. Since Jenny died, I did quite well at looking after my house, my car, my garden and my computer. I offered help to my friends. I worked for a year without pay to help my son get his new business off the ground.
But I did not look after myself very well at all.
My eating patterns degenerated. I fell into periods of not exercising fully, and so on. More than anything else, there was a tendency to beat myself up with my own thoughts despite everything that I knew; because the extreme pain of my beloved dying a very, very painful death in extremely difficult circumstances knocked me sideways, quite simply.
I had to dig deeper inside myself than I had ever dug before to find what I’m calling Heartful Self-Compassion for myself.
I could be compassionate for other people. That was relatively easy. But to be compassionate for myself … Not quite so easy. Not easy at all in fact.
Eventually, I saw that my lack of self-compassion emerged primarily from my childhood experience. Before my body was born, it was unloved and unwanted by my mother and I am convinced that the foetus soaked up her extremely negative, toxic energy.
In a very real sense, I was unloved and unwanted. I was born 16-17 years after my brothers. My parents were quite old when I was born; my father was 50, my mother was 40. Back in the early 1950’s that was very old to have another child.
I was conceived as an accident. I’m sure it must have been an accident because when I think of my parent’s relationship, I don’t quite know how else it could have happened. 🙂
My mother in particular proceeded to make it very clear to me how unwanted I was. She had a lovely line that said, “I wish I’d drowned you at birth like I was going to.” Said to a very young child her words didn’t exactly do a lot for the young Leo’s self-esteem, as you can imagine.
All of that was sitting down in the basement, we could say, and was impacting my relationships with people; men and women, but in particular of course, intimate relationships with women.
Eventually what I discovered, the most beautiful discovery of my entire life, was that when I allowed myself to fully acknowledge, completely, that I am unloved and unwanted – and to love myself for being unloved and unwanted, the transformation was near instantaneous.
I had to, first of all, dig down deep and acknowledge and feel how unloved and unwanted I was, which was very hard. That was the hard thing to do because, like most people I would imagine, it was the last thing I wanted to really feel. It’s the last thing I really wanted to think about myself.
Who wants to think that they are unloved and unwanted? Who wants to feel unloved and unwanted? I don’t know anyone who would want that.
But once I was able to love myself I discovered that Conscious Love is the master key to freedom. I found it by asking myself, “Could I love myself for being unloved and unwanted?”
The answer is, yes I can.
The metaphor I came up with to describe this is thinking of waves on an ocean. If we think that, on an ocean, waves arise. And imagine that the waves were to be suddenly frozen in time.
The waves becomes frozen in place, in a particular moment in time and in a particular form – and from that point on the wave never changes.
At a deep level in my psyche it felt just like that. It was as if the “thought-waves”, we could say, in my deep mind had become frozen in time by the trauma of my childhood experiences and the trauma of being unloved and unwanted.
When I finally got to the point of being able to love myself for being unloved and unwanted, the heat, the warmth of my love, rapidly thawed the frozen thought-waves.
Imagine if, in the physical world, if there was a frozen wave. If we apply heat to it, what’s going to happen? It’s going to melt.
And as the wave melts, it melts back into the ocean. But the substance of it, the water doesn’t disappear. It doesn’t stop existing. It just changes its form.
It’s like the law of physics, the Law of Conservation of Energy, which says, “energy can neither be created nor destroyed but it can only be changed from one form to another”. It’s rather like that.
When I was able to love myself and love these thought waves that were deep, deep, deep down inside, the heat of love, the warmth of love, of kindness and compassion, melted the frozen thought waves, which then melted back into the ocean of consciousness from which they had emerged.
From that point on, I have never felt unloved and unwanted. I’ve got the memory and let’s be clear, it’s not like having a pre-frontal lobotomy where we forget everything and we cease to exist in some way.
No, I’ve got the memory of my childhood. I’ve got the memory of being unloved and unwanted. I’ve got a memory of all the emotional and mental abuse that was hurled at me by my family and my family environment (not just my parents, but both my brothers).
But there’s no emotional charge left. It simply melted away. When I was able to love myself for feeling unloved and unwanted the emotional charge melted away almost instantaneously. Now, how good is that?
As I got to see more clearly, I became able to realise how the knock-on effect that my childhood traumas had affected my relationships with people throughout my life – and intimate relationships with women in particular.
I realised that the problems I’ve experienced were entirely due to what had happened at my birth and during early childhood. My suffering was entirely due to this very, very deep belief about myself, that I was unloved and unwanted.
And of course, if I’m unloved and unwanted, and that’s what I believe about myself, how can I expect anybody else to love and want me?
How could I expect my human beloved to love and want me if I felt about myself that I’m unloved and unwanted? It’s crazy. But my entire experience changed as soon as I felt, “Oh, yes, I can love myself for everything”.
This love, this Conscious Love, is Heartful Self-Compassion. The way I see it, we could call it unconditional love. It’s not conditional upon anything happening or anything changing. It’s not conditional upon my suddenly becoming a different person.
What do I have to do to be able to love myself? Do I have to have a different childhood? Well, that’s not possible. I’ve only got the childhood that I had.
So when I love myself for having the childhood that I’ve had, and love myself for having experienced all the pain that I have experienced, wow, those frozen thought-waves just melt away.
And all that remains is love, actually – love, peace, silence or whatever name we want to give this vast ocean of consciousness within which we all have our existence.
I’m looking around now at nature. I notice the variety of forms that nature takes. The different types of trees, and animals, and plants and the birds that are singing – all have their being in this one ocean of Divine beauty, Divine Consciousness.
This Consciousnesss is where we are all equal, non-separate and emotionally free.
And I firmly believe that when we, all of us, individually – it’s seems to have to be an individual shift – individually shift into this consciousness of being compassionate to ourselves, being kind to ourselves, being loving to ourselves, we will see a revolution of global consciousness.
What is spontaneously unveiled through the process of Conscious Loving is the fact that none of us are separate from nature, none of us are separate from each other, none of us are separate from this world in which we live.
And from this consciousness it makes no sense whatsoever to continue to rape and pillage our planet, destroying the very eco-system upon which we depend for our human existence.
Heartful Self-Compassion, the way I see it, is a large part of the solution even to the environmental problems that we, as collective humanity, are facing.
Be compassionate with ourselves first, love ourselves first, then we can love our human friends, then we can love the animal world, then we can love and care for all of nature.
Take good care,
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